Just a little “Redneck Fun”

A few jokes and a little humor goes a long way, especially when you can laugh at yourself.

WARNING

This content is NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT.

If you are easily offended, please head on to another page now.

God Created Man
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, “There’s something he’s needin’ “.
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
‘Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth.
Ruined the whole fuckin thing.
The Bet - Canadian Style
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money”. After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office ….. (the customer is always right).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “165,000” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you 25,000 that your balls are square.” “Haa” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet 25,000 that my balls are not square” The little old lady then said, Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “25,000 says the president’s balls are square” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, Okay,” said the president, ” $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” She replied, nothing, except I bet him 100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN
His was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it? FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

Grizzly & Black Bears Warnings
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin:

“In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts,the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters,and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

“We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
“It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:

Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper-spray.” 

The ant and the grasshopper ---

ORIGINAL CHINESE VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN AMERICAN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAGB (The national association of green bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with green bias, and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s not easy being green.”

The President make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly. A government representative in an interview with Peter Jennings declares that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.” Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act,” retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing a wildly applauding group of announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in America.

Don’t you just love it ??…….

If you hate traffic

Got a letter from Aunt Sue the other day. She writes …

“The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is … and I didn’t notice that the light changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! … Jesus CHRIST, GO!” 

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!  I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving  people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!  There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach” … I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

Then I asked my teenage son in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.  Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing … why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light was changing. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. 

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks    

Osama and the Pearly Gates
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. “You wanted to end the America’s liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama in the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He takes a sledge hammer and WHAM! nails Osama’s knees.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, “This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replies, “I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS, waiting for you.

What the heck did you think I said?”

Kill the pig

Jean Chretien and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
Jean tells his driver: “Go to da farm over dere and xplain to da honer of da pig what happened.”
One hour later, Jean sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
“What happen to you?” Jean asks .
“Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife gave me the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me.”
“What did you tell dem?” asked Chretien.
The driver answered: “Good evening, I am Jean Chretien’s chauffeur and I have just killed the pig”.
 

Government Workers Explained
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with all this digging and refilling?”

“Well, we work for the government and we’re just doing our job,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us: me, Pierre and Jean-Marc.

I dig the hole, Pierre sticks in the tree, and Jean-Marc here puts the dirt back. —- Pierre’s job’s been cut, so now it’s just me an’ Jean-Marc.”

God Created Man #2
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
So, how is everything going?” inquired God.
It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights –everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It’s these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain,” reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body such as her limbs, eyes, and ears came in pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced”, as she put it.

That is a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”

God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?”

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one oversight on your part. You see,all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you…. now let’s see, where did I put that useless boob?”

Now, doesn’t THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of yourshirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see,just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Mardi Gras
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines to da Mardi Gras.

Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around and Boudreaux got knock unconscious. Den da plane start driftin. Pierre come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don’t know nuttin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla “May Day! May Day!

Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!”

“Dis is da control tower,” someone answer. “Don you worry a bout nuttin. We gonna splain how you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-own-tee! Jus leave anyting ta us.

Fus, how high you are, an whas you position?”

Pierre thought a minute, den say, “I’m five foot ten an I’m all da way to da front of da plane.”

No! No!” answer da tower. “What you altitude, an where you location?”

Pierre say, “Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an ah’m from Thibodeaux, Laweezeeanna!”

“No! No! No!” came an exasperated voice. “Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da groun an how you plane in relation to da airport!”

Pierre, he start to panic by dis time. He say, “Countin Boudreaux’s feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun an I don believe dis plane related to you airport!”

A long pause —– de silence was deafanin.

“We needs to know whoo you next of kin..”

Good Frenchman Joke
Two Quebecois walked into a pet store. Right away they go over to the exotic bird section.

Jean-Marc says to Jean-Pierre, “Dats dem dere.”

The store clerk comes over and asks if she can help them.

“Yea, we’ll take four of dem birds in dat cage up der,” says Jean-Marc.
“Put dem in a paper bag.”

They leave the store and drive for three hours until they are high up in the hills. They stop at the face of a large cliff with a 500ft drop.

“Dis looks like a good place eh?” says Jean-Pierre.

“Oh yea, dis looks good,” agrees Jean-Marc.

They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss.

“Tabernac! I guess I got to go first eh?” says Jean-Pierre.

He takes 2 birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds and goes “SPLAT!”

As Jean-Marc looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Fock dat. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me.” 

Redneck Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother”

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still…

You cain’t marry Will, my gal.,
And please don’t tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother”

But Mama knew and said, “My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain’t no kin to Pappy!!

Drugstore Doctor
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.
“There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of alot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

The Redneck Dayvorce
A redneck walks into the lawyers office and says “I want one of them there dayvorces”!
The Lawyer says “Do you have grounds?
The Redneck says Yes! I have 140 acres.
The Lawyer says… Do you have a grudge?
The Redneck says… Yup, got a brand spankin’ new one bilt on t the side a ther house last year. 

The Lawyer says…No, you don’t understand. Do you have a case?
The Redneck says…No, but I have a John Deere.
The Lawyer says…You still don’t understand. Do you have a suit?
The Redneck says..Yes, I wear it to church on Sundays.
The Lawyer says..Does she beat you up?
The Redneck says…No, we both get up at 4:30 every morning.
The Lawyer says…Is she a nagger?
The Redneck says.. No, she’s a little ol’ white girl, but the last youngen she had was a nagger, thats why I want the dayvorce.